Life missing 1

I want to start this blog with an acknowledgement that God is good!

It has been 2 months now since my daughter has been at the ranch. I would like to report that it has gotten easier but it has not. In all things I do...I am missing my child. I realize that she is safe, she is doing OK, and she is getting some very much needed help; however she is my daughter and I miss her so much words cannot express. However, I am also filled with hope for her future. So when I focus on that I can get through the day and move on to the next one. 

When you find out you have a child with a mental illness there are a few stages of emotion that I found to be bizarre and hence my inept ability to cope for quite some time. When I realized that I was not OK I started therapy for myself, what a genius idea!!

I have learned so much through this process and mostly that its OK to NOT be OK. I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to hide my tears, and I don't have to be ashamed of my weakness. I AM HUMAN! What?! Who would have thought that crap! I remember I kept telling myself that I was being a drama queen and I still had 5 other kids who need me. I needed to suck it up and move forward. Cry in the darkness where no one could see, deny all claims that I was anything but OK. What an idiot right?! I am still adjusting to this business of showing my emotions and admitting that I am not OK. I am a work in progress and that's OK with me.

There are 5 stages of grief, which is what my therapist told me I was doing(grieving). Again I was like,"Whatever, this is sooo dramatic." But once I read through them I realized I was grieving. No my daughter is not gone in the sense of having no life but she is gone from my presence, and as a mother that is pretty devastating. She did almost succeed in taking her own life which is also something that needed to be acknowledged. So in my effort to help other parents experiencing this type of ordeal, you have to know and recognize that you are indeed grieving. 

Adjusting to living your life with one of your children missing seems almost impossible. Every time you fix a meal you will mistakenly still set the table and realize you have an extra spot. You will count heads at the park and realize you are missing one. When you are giving hugs and kisses for bedtime, you will be one short. There is no easy way to have these realizations but to acknowledge them. Go cry if you have to but don't shrug it off and think its insignificant. You have to embrace it all....again so dramatic, but guess what it is!! And who stinking cares?! One of my favorite sayings is this: "Those who matter don't mind, and those mind don't matter." ~Bernard Baruch or Dr. Seuss

So with that in mind you really have to take inventory of your life. You are going to need people who genuinely care about you in your corner. You don't have time or the need for people who will just judge you or act like they know what you are going through or give terrible unwarranted advice. Be not afraid to let some people go, maybe not forever but for the time being. I speak from personal experience and I promise once you figure out those true caring people, the sun begins to shine a little more, and you stop thinking that you won't survive this. I have been so blessed with the people around me and I honestly could not have made it without every single one of them. Love is such a powerful thing and so easy to give, honestly. It's funny because I have never been a hugger, always had personal space issues....during the last few months I have hugged more of my friends and co-workers then I probably have in my life, LOL. But seriously the power of a hug is so amazing! So get all the hugs you can, take them every-time one is offered to you, and you squeeze that person(careful to let them breathe). I swear every-time I get a hug a little bit of my pain leaks out and a little love goes in. 

While I do not know everything or have all the answers, I am a mom. A mom with a blended family, that means I get to love 6 wonderful children! NO matter what my kids are struggling with, they are all caring, loving, funny, beautiful, honest, giving, and strong! They are going to make some of those most amazing adults this planet has ever seen. So whether or not you are missing 1 you have got to keep going when you can and know when to slow down to practice some self care. All things are possible with God and He never lets us down.