Stigma Shmigma Part 1

My daughter has a mental illness! Does that mean she is less of a person, or not as good as anyone else's daughter? FUCK NO!
With that being said I want to tell you about a journey I have been on in hopes that maybe it will help another person or even just to let another person know that they are not alone. Also my intent to let people know when you judge a child or anyone based on a mental illness, quite simply your an asshole. I know that there is a big stigma on mental illness because  allot of people afflicted with such do not take care of themselves and make very poor decisions. They hurt people emotionally and physically. They hurt themselves and too often they kill themselves. While I do not excuse the behavior and even hold my daughter accountable for her poor choices, sometimes all that person needs is just a little understanding and for you to not take it personal. Easier said than done right? I have always been a pretty tolerant person of most people because my mom taught me to do unto others as I would like done to me. Foreign concept these days I know. My first experience with mental illness was my ex-husband and father of my 2 oldest beautiful daughters. He was un-medicated, meth user, and alcoholic. That is like the tri-fecta of disaster for most people but for him it was extremely dangerous. He was very abusive, manipulative, and just plain mean. Took me a long time to realize that his illness was not my fault and I would never be able to help him until he wanted to help himself. Which never happened so I finally left. 
When I started to see some characteristics in my daughter that were similar to her father she was just 9 years old. Now there may have been signs earlier than that but I honestly cant remember anything standing out till then. Due do a crappy divorce decree I was bound to the fact that I could not seek help for her without her father's consent. Needless to say he would never consent and after 2 years of her getting worse, I consulted an attorney. I was told I could seek counseling services for her without his consent just not psychiatric or medications. So I did what I could and we started counseling after about 8 months her counselor mentioned that I might want to think about medication. I had a really hard time that at I am sure most parents do. I took my ex back to court to get rights to get the care for my daughter. Luckily he was repeating his pattern with his wife at the time and it was relatively easy to get the consent and 2 years later get full custody. Thank you God!
The first medication she was ever put on was Prozac. Within a couple weeks we noticed a slight change for the better. Fast forward 2 years more of counseling and many different medications, diagnosis, and doctors.
It was January 20, 2012 when my world ceased to move. I got the phone call that my daughter had tried to kill herself. I was at work and literally just left. I didn't even tell anyone I just walked out. When I got home I remember feeling like I was walking into a fog, I could see and hear everything but it wasn't clear. I cant remember who met at the door to tell me that my daughter was upstairs. It seemed that I could not get up the stairs fast enough and then............there she was sitting on the floor sobbing. You would think that there would be a lot of thoughts going through my head at that time but all I could do was assess. I looked for the knife, the blood, and....OMG she was not hurt! She didn't do it! In that brief moment I thanked God for protecting her from herself. When trying to talk to her all she kept saying was they told me to do it and I am so tired mom. There were voices in her head telling her to kill herself, take the knife and stick in her stomach. They told her there was no place in heaven for her. Can you imagine? Thinking even just for moment as a child of God that heaven does not want you? Holy shit!! This is so much worse than I thought and why didn't I catch this sooner, what did I miss? Shit! Breathe in and breathe out! What am I supposed to do? I don't think I can keep her safe by myself....a statement that was very surreal to me. Just 5 years ago I could kiss and hug her and she was all better. I called my husband because I genuinely had no idea what to do. He told me to call the local mental facility and get direction from them. I called them and they told me to bring her in for an evaluation. I hung up the phone and just crumbled. I could not catch my breath and the tears just fell out. Is this real? Is this really happening? Am I really about to take my baby girl to a mental hospital? Oh God please help me, help her! I called my best friend and she was at my house in a matter of minutes, she refused to let me drive. I realize now how right she was and I am always so thankful she took that initiative for me. 
Sitting in this mental facility filling out paperwork the immense pressure in my chest just wont go away. I can barely write and seem to have forgotten how to read. The evaluation didn't take long and then they brought me in to let me know that they wanted to admit her. I didn't realize that I would have to leave her there by herself, naive I know but true. I just sat there and my daughter asks if I am mad at her. NO! I have been trying to keep my composure in front her this whole time and lost it in that moment. I hugged her so tight and cried so hard. Expressed my love for her and told her I was going to let them admit her. Can I really do this? We go through the motions and its time to leave, without my daughter. I feel like I have a magnet in my stomach and I just cant pull away from her. Can I change my mind? Maybe I can do this myself? I cant leave her here? God please guide me, please!
I have never felt that much ache in my life. When my mom passed the ache was great but it was different. This was so deep and reached the depth of my soul, I was not certain I could get through it. Then to think how she must feel. Her own mother just left her in this strange sterile place with a bunch of strangers. Confused as to what happened, wondering whats coming next, and an immeasurable amount emotion I don't think I can comprehend. 
At our first meeting with my daughter and the psychiatrist at the hospital there was a lot of conversation about mental illness. A bunch of words floating around the room that I could not absorb. Bi-polar, mood disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and suicidal tendencies. How did we get here? How do I get the hell out of here? My daughter has a mental illness! There I said it! It took me months to be able to say that out loud.
BUT THERE IT IS! And guess what? She is still beautiful, smart, funny, kind, and MY daughter. She has to fight every day of her life and she is the strongest person I know!