It was just a few days ago when something got stirred up inside of me and it was so overwhelming I acted on it right away with the first thing I could think of.
So much reflection time in my life lately and I was starting to wonder what the hell was I doing with my life. Am I really living the way I should? My greatest joy and pride are my children...ALL of them. Even the ones I didn't give birth to. But I was not feeling like the mom and role model I wanted to be anymore. I found myself being very negative and cursing more than usual when they were around. What kind of woman am I modeling for my daughters? I can tell you what I think....a bitch!
You know when I first married my husband I was always sticking up for his ex, making him treat her with a little more respect. I could not stand the way he treated her regardless of his reasons, she is the mother of his first 2 children. Somewhere over the years lots of mistakes were made on both sides and I chose to just write her off as a bad mother and a bad person. Not giving her one more thought and just letting it go. When the girls would tell me something about their mom I would stop them and tell them I didn't care. WTF was my problem? I didn't want to hear anything that had to do with her. Thinking that if her name was not mentioned that I would never talk bad about her and hurt their feelings. I have always been one of those people who believes that you shouldn't talk bad about the other parent in front the kids. Little did I know that I was indirectly demeaning their relationship with their mom. Yes I know what a hypocritical bitch! You know I am not going to lie she deserved a few lashings however it was definitely not my place to do so. I am not perfect and yet here I was judging this woman.
Sadly over the last couple years my poor attitude has driven a wedge between myself and someone I love very much. I blamed her mom, her poor choices, and just her in general. So unfair...this was all on me! How in the hell did I let it get to this point? Anyone who knows me knows that I come from a deep ass hole of fucking up...I have had to scratch and crawl my way out...and then just put someone else in there in my place? Wow! I am not certain how I became so lost in who I was but it happened. I have never really been so ashamed of myself as I was in that realization. I did not hesitate to make an attempt to right this wrong I had done.
I sent this woman an email bearing my soul and the most heart felt apology I could muster. It felt so pathetic and so liberating at the same time! Like I was lifting a huge weight off my heart and my mind. I didn't know what if any response I would get, and honestly I didn't completely care. I mean of course I wanted her to reciprocate my feelings but just getting it all out there was enough for me at that time. I cried writing this email knowing how much I have probably hurt this woman, whom without I would not have the chance to love 2 very wonderful girls.
My life has been so blessed being a step-mom. I cannot quite explain the way my heart expanded when they came into my life. It was so perfect! I was madly in love with their dad and fell in love with them too! Blending our family was so easy honestly...of course we had some moments but our girls just clicked and are still best friends and sisters for life! You never know how much love your heart is capable of until you have children.
God is so good because while He was working in my heart He was working in hers as well. I received the most email in response to mine that I literally cried...again! She was so happy to get my email that she was also brought to tears....yes apparently we are emotional woman. What that said to me was that she had been waiting so long for me to pull my head out of my ass and just accept her for who she was. Waiting so long to gain an ally in the raising of these wonderful girls, instead of constantly trying to prove herself and driving herself crazy. 10 years! Finally we are coming together as adults, mothers, and women who love the same people and want the same thing. I am not always certain how or why things happen when they do, but I do know His plan is pretty amazing.
So in conclusion my epiphany is simply this...
taste your words before you spit them out!
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