Letter to my Sissa while she was in Blackfoot

This letter is very personal for me and hard to share. However, I wrote this letter after having a revelation about my relationship with my daughter. After just learning that I don't have to accept the way my daughter treated me on her bad days. That I could still love her just as much and help her just the same if not more by holding her more accountable for her decisions. It only took me 2 years after she tried to kill herself to have this revelation...better late than never right? 

My little Sissa,

  Hi sweetie! I have been trying to write you a letter since you left. I seem to have a hard time finding the words to say. I love you so much and at the same time I have never been as scared for your future as I am right now.

  I want to tell you that everything is going to be ok. To be honest I am not even certain of that anymore. I don’t want this to be a negative letter, however I have so much to say and I know that you might not like some of it. I hope you really know that I love you and no matter what happens or decisions you make that will never change. With that being said I need to let you know what I cannot accept anymore. I am not going to let you treat me badly anymore. Regardless of the reason you feel, I just will not accept it and we won’t talk until you can treat me with decency. This means not calling me names, accusing me of terrible things, saying mean things to me, or telling me that you hate me. I am very aware that you don’t really mean those things when you say them to me, however it doesn’t make them hurt any less. If you really are drinking, smoking, and doing drugs….this will not be acceptable. You will be held accountable by the law. If you sneak out or hurt people, you will be held accountable by the law. If you steal, you will be held accountable by the law. I genuinely hate saying these things to you but I feel that you have given me no choice. You actions and behavior have made me think that I don’t even know who you are.

  I also want to apologize to you for not being stronger when I really needed to be for you. I was weak and scared. I accepted things from you that I shouldn’t have. Perhaps you would not feel the way you do now if I had stopped it back then. I know that your actions are not my fault but I honestly feel that perhaps I could have helped guide you better. That is the mom I am going to be now. I am going to be tough but it will be with the deepest love I have ever felt. Everything that I do is for you. For you to get well, to make better decisions, and be the wonderful person I know is in there. You will get mad at me for some decisions that I will make, you will not want to talk to me or see me, and you might even feel like you actually hate me. You might feel like I am trying to ruin your life and take you away from your friends. I promise you that I am not trying to do any of those things. The only thing I am trying to do is love you and keep you alive.

  I cannot say that I understand what you are going through in your head, because I don’t. I can tell you that I can only try to imagine what it might be like for you. If I could take it all away I would in one second. It actually kills me that I have absolutely no power to cure you. When you were little I could just scoop you up, squeeze you, and kiss it all better. You would snuggle with me for hours even after you felt better. I loved that you were so loving and kind. I loved that I could always make you feel better. Now it seems that you have just grown up when I wasn’t looking and you are now a young woman. You are no longer a child that I can just scoop up and kiss all better. You are making life long decisions, decisions that will stay with you the rest of your life.

   I know that you know this but you are going to have to start really thinking about the decisions that you make. You need to be thinking about the people you choose to surround yourself with. Your personality is one that likes to please people, make them happy by doing what they want. You have to surround yourself with people who make better choices that what you are now. It’s so easy to go with the flow and just do what everyone else is doing. It’s not easy to stand alone, to make your own choices, and listen to your own conscience. I promise you though that it is totally worth it. Standing up for what you believe and what you know is right will always fill the soul. It’s not easy but it gets easier if you surround yourself with people who make the same good choices. You will then find people who genuinely care about you and not what you can do for them. Or just think that they have a partner in crime whenever they need one. When you do what is right you may have to stand alone for awhile, but I promise you that I will always be standing right there with you. And your sisters will be there also…you have a big family that loves you more than you know. So really you are never alone and it doesn’t matter what those other people think of you. They will be mean and make you feel bad for not following along with them, but that is because they know you are stronger than them.

   I know you have an amazing strength inside you to survive this long. I know you have felt like giving up a few times but you have fought through it all. You just have to see what a great life you can have and how worth it all the hard work will be. We are all behind you, supporting you, praying for you, and ready to fight the fight with you.

  Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

You are one the best things that I have ever been blessed with and I will never ever give up on you. I love you to moon and back.

Love always,Your momma