New Brady Bunch!

This journey has continued to be difficult and I still have days where I just cry. Its been almost a year since I shared Part 1 and I am finally ready to share this part with you, not for sympathy, but for education and realization of the kind of people who are really affected by stigma. April 28th, 2014 is the day I made the hardest the decision of my life. After Carissa's suicide attempt and almost losing her we started looking at a different approach. Long term treatment. After a few months of doing my homework I found Project Patch ( http://www.projectpatch.org/ ). I won't bore you with the details involved with getting her accepted to this amazing place but it was a pretty emotional and intense process. Having to relive so many details of the last couple years over and over. The day had finally come for us to drive up to this place and have an interview with staff and counselors to see if we were a good fit. Packing her things from the list of approved items th

Ya know recently I read a terrible article on blended families and the role of the step mother. I mean in my opinion it was terrible, by reading the comments there were some people who thought this chick was accurate. That to me is very unfortunate for those women because to my step daughters I am a "bonus mom" and they are my "bonus kids". I have loved and helped raise them since they were 2 and 3. I find it very absurd to say that you cannot love or feel a deep connection for another kid that is not genetically yours. I mean seriously what the hell?!! What a bunch of cynical bullshit and as we all know I love to discount bullshit so here is my list of just that.....LOL At first I was thinking that I would approach this as a mom who's own daughters had a step mom but then I thought I should really focus on my experience as a step mom. Yeah that makes more sense but for the record my daughters had one the most amazing women as a step mom and I get to call he

I want to start this blog with an acknowledgement that God is good! It has been 2 months now since my daughter has been at the ranch. I would like to report that it has gotten easier but it has not. In all things I do...I am missing my child. I realize that she is safe, she is doing OK, and she is getting some very much needed help; however she is my daughter and I miss her so much words cannot express. However, I am also filled with hope for her future. So when I focus on that I can get through the day and move on to the next one.  When you find out you have a child with a mental illness there are a few stages of emotion that I found to be bizarre and hence my inept ability to cope for quite some time. When I realized that I was not OK I started therapy for myself, what a genius idea!! I have learned so much through this process and mostly that its OK to NOT be OK. I don't have to be strong all the time, I don't have to hide my tears, and I don't have to be a

When in my darkness there is always light.  When I feel my weakest I can always still fight. When all I want to do is cry somehow there is always a smile.  When I think running away will do I manage to sit awhile.  When my faith is tested there is subtle tug on my heart.  When I don't want to pray He helps me start.                                       I cannot explain what I do not see, but I can attest                                   He is so very real to me. This morning I decided to sit on my front porch, breathe in crisp spring air, listen to birds chirping and squirrels running around. It is Sunday and although I do not attend regular church services, God was right here with me. I felt His presence so strong I had tears in  my eyes. This day He has granted me an unmatched peace in my heart, my soul, and my thoughts. Even if it's just this moment I know that all things will be OK and His loving hands are always cradling my precious chi

Greetings and salutations! Today I want to share another story from my childhood in which karma came and bit me in the ass...again! Plans were set and in place, operation sneak out was a go! As I climb out my bedroom window, hop up on the freezer, shimmy across the roof, and jump off the side into driveway...I see headlights coming down the road. I hit the deck just in time to see it turn before if even gets to my house, grrrrr! Whatever brush myself off and commence operation. One block up and 1/2 block over is 3 of my friends and for tonight my accomplices. My neighborhood was very traditional, roads were straight and crossed each other. Blocks were actually blocks and everyone knew everyone, how I got away with half shit I did I will never really know. Except the fact that karma seemed to ensure I was punished accordingly. Now getting to my first friends house was easy he was already out and waiting for me. We have to leap frog the next 2 houses to get our 2nd accompl

When someone wrongs you what is the first thing that you do? Get pissed, write them off, or kick their ass?! I know I personally tell them off and quite possibly never talk to them again. I think that there is something to be said for holding people accountable for being douche bags, and on the other hand there is something to be said for forgiveness.  I think the most important thing in this life that I have learned thus far is that people hurt people. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes its unintentional. Regardless of the method you have to remember that at some point in our lives we all have wronged someone is some way. Meaning that we are not without our own malice. The power of forgiveness is not to be underestimated. I have experienced some forgiveness both given and received. Both make your heart feel good but if you ask me giving forgiveness that has been denied for a long time, can really put your heart and mind in a very good place. Everyone wants an

There are only a few things in this life anymore that really get to me. Being lied to, and being judged. Judgement by definition is: an opinion or decision that is based on careful thought : the act or process of forming an opinion or making a decision after careful thought : the act of judging something or someone :the ability to make good decisions about what should be done.   Now reading this definition I am quite certain that a lot of people are not carefully considering their thoughts prior to judging someone. Let me clarify before I am scrutinized, I am not perfect. I myself have been guilty of unfair judgement many many times and it was not until recently that I have been shown the impact that can have on people. I was ashamed of myself to be honest and I could not believe the way I had been thinking. I guess it takes personal experience to really have shit sink in. Sad but that seems the best way that I learn...story of my life. What is this chicks point already? If

http://www.gofundme.com/carissahopesndreams This is my beautiful daughter Carissa, she is just 14yrs old. We need help to raise $25,000 to get her to the Project Patch Ranch as a  last resort  to help her discover that life is worth living and that she is worth loving. As with most treatment facilities, it comes with a price tag. After going over and over evey avenue a friend told me about this website. The back story...On Jan. 20, 2012 Carissa (who was just 12 at the time) attempted suicide and was admitted to the mental facility in our area for 11 days. She was diagnosed, "manic depressive or bipolar disorder" and a list of acronyms. This began our journey into the world of psychiatrists, therapists, medications, and many, many manic meltdowns. As her mother, I needed to switch gears and find a less demanding job so that I could be her advocate, get her to appointments, and be more available when I am needed. What a great decision and what an amazing job I have now. I

It was just a few days ago when something got stirred up inside of me and it was so overwhelming I acted on it right away with the first thing I could think of. So much reflection time in my life lately and I was starting to wonder what the hell was I doing with my life. Am I really living the way I should? My greatest joy and pride are my children...ALL of them. Even the ones I didn't give birth to. But I was not feeling like the mom and role model I wanted to be anymore. I found myself being very negative and cursing more than usual when they were around. What kind of woman am I modeling for my daughters? I can tell you what I think.... a bitch! You know when I first married my husband I was always sticking up for his ex, making him treat her with a little more respect. I could not stand the way he treated her regardless of his reasons, she is the mother of his first 2 children. Somewhere over the years lots of mistakes were made on both sides and I chose to just write

It was a normal weekend night in Meridian and it was all quiet in my house. Relaxing and enjoying the peace because all the kids were in bed and my hubby in bed too. I am sleepy so I decide to go to bed and get some sleep.   As I am drifting off to sleep I think I hear someone in the living room and thinking it was one my kids trying to midnight raid the pantry I get up to take a look. Oddly enough there was no one there, went to the stairs up to the bonus room and listen. I turn on the light waiting to hear someone talking or at least yell at me to turn to the light off. Complete silence so I turn off the light and go back to bed. Again I am drifting off once more I hear the pattering of feet again...this time I know someone is out there so I get up again. Open my bedroom door and take no more than 2 steps out my door and I bump into someone. Oh my sweet Jesus its Carissa! Then the following communication occurs..."AAAHHHH" "AAAHHHH" "AAAAAHHHH,

This letter is very personal for me and hard to share. However, I wrote this letter after having a revelation about my relationship with my daughter. After just learning that I don't have to accept the way my daughter treated me on her bad days. That I could still love her just as much and help her just the same if not more by holding her more accountable for her decisions. It only took me 2 years after she tried to kill herself to have this revelation...better late than never right?  My little Sissa,   Hi sweetie! I have been trying to write you a letter since you left. I seem to have a hard time finding the words to say. I love you so much and at the same time I have never been as scared for your future as I am right now.   I want to tell you that everything is going to be ok. To be honest I am not even certain of that anymore. I don’t want this to be a negative letter, however I have so much to say and I know that you might not like some of it. I hope you really know

I wish you could see my daughter the way I see her. You only get to see the worst, or hear about it. The defiance…or mood swings…or outbursts. Or maybe that is what you remember about her, it is always easier to remember the bad things about someone. And our human nature makes it so much more interesting to talk about someone who is labeled “bad” instead of the good that a person has. But if you knew her like I do, you would feel different. You would feel like I do. You would see a loving, beautiful child with dreamy blue eyes. A child who has hopes and dreams.  A child who has feelings.  A child who is hurt often, who feels alone, who carries a burden so big for someone so young.  A child who desperately longs for friends, who wants to be liked and accepted. But has to struggle with the daily sadness of other children avoiding her, ignoring her, or labeling her.  Left out of the crowd. Not invited. On the sidelines, walking alone. Different. I wish you could see her o

 There are a few things I have learned as mom, as a woman, as a human being.   Giving birth does not make you a mom it makes you a mother. Your child is not your property, nor your bargaining tool. Every moment with your child is a gift. Even when it’s really really bad…it’s a gift.   Life is not really easy for anyone, especially our kids. Kids are a lot meaner these days from when I was younger.   Kids dealing with divorce and new families…that’s a lot to take on. That feeling needs to be respected and nurtured. Never ever talk about the absent parent in a negative manner because you are basically telling your kids that they are half of what you are saying.    I have made a lot of mistakes as a mom in the last 16 years and there is quite a few I wish I could make right. The point is I own my mistakes. I do not blame anyone else for them and I apologize when I need to even if it’s to my kids.   As a step-mom or bonus-mom as they call me…there is no r